What I Lost by Holding On

Around 2017, a very close friend of mine, a childhood friend to be precise borrowed money from me and refused to pay back till date. That is the clean version. The fuller truth is that anytime he sees me, he always behaves like nothing has happened. He never talked about it. I called for months, he ignored my calls and he won't even reply to any of my text messages.

One day when we met, we had a conversation about the money and he said he will pay back. I was still in school when all these happened. And upon that, he always post on his WhatsApp and immediately he drops a post, I always follow it up asking for the money but he kept on ignoring.

Everything that happened then still stayed in my memory. Though I never reacted in a negative way or shouted on him.. I just went ahead with my day to day activities..

Few years after, around 2024 when I was serving. I was in camp during this period. He just called out of the blue and asked me to lend him some money. I replied him immediately that I do not have any money to give out. I didn't say it in an angry way. Not only that, but I only said it with a soft voice.

Though we still talk anytime we see. We exchange greetings just the tye right words from me and nothing beyond that. But I have been always maintain a careful distance that is healthy for me. I never complained publicly or told anyone that knows him.. I didn't drag him on the matter. I just moved on with my life and carried it privately like something I have decided to manage alone. I know that he still remembers that he is owing me, but I have decided in my mind never to bring it up again.

Ever since this happened, it has cost me something. I will say something good anyway because people will come like a saint when they needed something but when it is time to return it, they behave like a snake..ever since then, I have stopped giving out money except something I know I can afford. Though a part of me has forgiven him, a larger part actually but the remaining one percent has not because anytime I see him, I always think about how he ignored those calls, messages and he even promised to pay back but he never did.

Though I have moved on from it, but one thing that no one ever told me was that refusing to forgive someone totally does not keep me connected to the person who hurts me. It always keeps me connected to a version of myself that was hurt. That part of me that became familiar, even comfortable. And eventually realising that it feels less like freedom than losing something I had accepted as part of who I am because I still count those words sometimes.

Thank you for reading.

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